Shippuden Complaint
by funkmasterjo
Summary: Pretty much Hiatus. Up for adoption. AU after returning from failed Sasuke retrieval #1 post-Shippuden start. Something I work on, on the side. Naruto as more of a strategist/actual Hokage in training.
1. Prologue

I reject shippuden's reality to varying degrees and substitute my own. So yes, AU after returning from failed Sasuke retrieval #1 post-Shippuden start.

All those who seek seriousness and length, fear me. All those who are actually just bored, seek me out.

Disclaimer: I Don't own Naruto.

Key:

------------ scene break. It could look like something else too. You'll be able to figure it out

"speech"

'quotations within speech/possibly something else later'

_stressing words/someone thinking - You'll be able to figure it out_

**stressing words/some kind of echoing voice - ie. kyuubi. You'll be able to figure it out**

stressing words/speaking in unision -You'll be able to figure it out

"people speaking at the same time" "but not the same words" "will simply have no filler between their quotation marks" - You'll be able to figure it out.

---------------------

Prologue: What? That's all? Is the next chapter longer?

She wasn't quite sure what kind of sucking up Naruto had done but Sakura had been pretty much ordered by Tsunade to spend some time getting to know her teammate again and to be 'nice within the boundaries of reason'.

As she'd found him at the Memorial Stone dressed in black, she'd begun to think her mentor had different motivation. It was the Sandaime's Deathversary.

He was... subdued. _Really_ subdued and it had her stepping on eggshells.

In the end she'd offered to go walk with him and he'd taken her to Peace Park.

Peace Park: a very little green area in Konoha outskirts dedicated to Yondaime Hokage after the village's long string of wars.

In the centre was an unusual statue of the Yondaime Hokage seated easily and smiling likewise, as if he were hanging out in the woods with some pals... except atop a pedestal.

"The Yonaime's my hero."

"I think he's pretty much everyone's" Sakura smiled

"Yeah. Yeah he is, huh? He inspired me you know. This statue really inspired me."

"You mean the whole 'I'll be Hokage' thing came from one oddly smiling statue?" Sakura joked.

"Yes. When I was a little kid: just a little dumbshit, you know? I was this little kid and, god, I swear I ran away from the orphanage every day. Anyway, I accidentally got here and I saw this thing, and I was amazed. Seriously, I could barely breathe in my awe. For just a little brat like me, hated by pretty much everyone on sight... this great kneeled and smiled so gently like he understood me you know? Like he cared for me... Man, I think I was crying just a little."

"eh..."

"Of course he wasn't smiling at _me_. It's a statue. It just smiles all the damn time but like I said I was little you know?" he chuckled. "As I grew older I figured it out... and I figured I wasn't wrong either. See, he _was_ smiling at me, kinda. He was smiling at _everyone_ in Konoha. He smiles cus' he cares and he cares cus' we're a team."

"... who's a team now?"

"Everyone! It's like you and me. We're part of a team and we look out for each other." He ticked the following points off on his fingers: "For instance, if you're crying then I will find you. Then I will find out why you're crying. Then I will beat the crap out of whatever makes you cry. And I will look for you again. And if you still cry I will somehow do... something, and you will get better. And things will be good again. That is my mission plan; it is my super S class mission."

"Well, ah..." she fidgeted with her shirt a little, looking down. Some of the things her idiot teammate would say... Yes, embarrassment was like an old friend by now. "I too, for you would... you know."

"And he was like that with everyone. We were all his team. That's why he did what he did."

"...Yeah. You're probably right."

"That's why it didn't matter what I did. If I was good or bad, hated or whatever, he still would have smiled for me because he would have cared anyways. That's just how it is with teams. Like us. Like Sasuke."

"..."

"The only Hokage I fully respected"

"What? Hang on, what about Sensei?!" meaning of course Tsunade.

"Well, it's not like I really disrespect her, yanno? But she's old."

"Naruto!" ticked off! If her sensei had heard that line!

Naruto indignantly justified. "She's just putting in the time. It's just her job or something. She's using the hat of Hokage because she wants to do something... out of respect to her little brother maybe"

Sakura felt a need to defend her mentor. "_I_ don't think so. And even if she was, does it matter all that much?"

"Hokage is a _job_ to her." The boy shook his head. "She doesn't live for it."

"That's harsh. You make it sound like slavery or something."

"That's Hokage."

"..." she couldn't quite object. She was simply too dumbfounded. Naruto just looked so nonplussed at her argument, as if she just wasn't in his league. But then the Third himself was quoted to say _'I am not really here to rule, but to be a humble a servant to the greater good'._

"The old man too, was too old. He lived for that title – for his village. He lived and he shed sweat and tears and blood until he was so damn _old_, knowing that at the end he could rest... and then his successor died" the boy shook his head again, this time in such emphatic sadness that Sakura could have believed he was speaking of the saddest thing in the world.

"It wasn't his fault. Anyone would start slipping up after that."

"_Jii-chan..." a little boy, in a small and too, too empty room sniffled before the door. "Jii-chan you liar."_

_He'd said he'd be there. He'd said he was going to make things up to the boy. He'd said, he'd said, he'd said! _

_A birthday... only came once a year._

_And it was such a horrible time to be alone..._

'_WHAM!'_

_All five locks rattled with a violence._

"_J... Jii-chan?"_

_In response, the door rattled and thundered louder. "Little Demon, COME OUT RIGHT __**NOW!**__"_

_The boy who had long scurried underneath his small bed shivered and sniffled. "Jii-chan, you liar."_

"Wasn't really his fault at all."

---------------------

"So boss, what kinda techniques have ya got now?!" Konohamaru asked excitedly.

"Kage-Bunshin no Jutsu, Taijuu Kage-Bunshin no Jutsu, general awesomeness..." the blonde listed, seemingly satisfied. "I could go on but the awesomeness part covers most of it."

"He sounds confident" Udon whispered to Moegi.

Naruto caught it. "Comes with being awesome."

"Well you should be!" Konohamaru nodded. "You trained for three years with that awesome guy right? But considering that... I mean, no offence boss, but your technique list hasn't changed much? Don't hold out on us! What else you got?"

"Yeah well" the blond sighed, "it uh... it turns out I have this kind of... sickness... thing. And we kinda found out that doing, ah new things with my chakra... like moving it in different ways, kind of... does some weird things to the seal. Er!" Naruto stopped himself, desperately, far too late. "I mean the, uh, the anti-sickness seal, you know? It's all very complicated medic-nin stuff. Sakura-chan can probably explain it better"

"Uh, really?" it was a credit to Konohamaru's gained maturity that he at least _tried_ to hide his crushing disappointment. It wasn't his fault but his role model was that weak? And this also didn't look good on the Konohamaru corps...

"I'm not done yet: I'm awesome, remember? That awesomeness includes being resourceful. "

"R-Really? As expected of Nii-chan!" Konohamaru cheered.

"Well I had to do _something_! I couldn't just sit on my ass. I had promises to keep, damnit. Anyways, I've got more Ninjutsu than _you_, that's for damn sure. I'll show you."

The Blonde's hands moved in a blur.

The Konohamaru corps were stunned of course. They were just so _used_ to seeing that one-seal Kage-Bunshin technique, that they never really thought about how good or bad he'd be with anything else.

But when he slammed his hand onto the ground, they thought they knew what was coming from the explosion of smoke.

"Yo Gamatoshi"

"Yo"

"Guys, this is Gamatoshi" the blond presented, perched now atop his summon. "He's not too big as far as the Gama-clan summons go, but this guy's a squad captain"

The frog attempted to hide the puffing of his chest.

"He loves Kenjutsu." The frog drew his sword and performed several wierd kata as Naruto dismounted. "He will out-range you. He will out-power you. And he will chase you down pretty easily cuz' he's fast too."

"Those katas look weird" Konohamaru observed doubtfully.

"Oh yeah" Naruto made an 'I see' gesture. "That's true. I forgot. He'll surprise you too."

"Hmph!" the frog made an odd, twirling jump with his sword and Konohamaru swore the blade disappear as he _felt_ some kind of movement by his hair.

Stunned, the boy barely registered that Gamatoshi's blade had somehow been sheathed before there was a resounding crash behind him.

The tree line behind him was _levelled_

"Wow."

"Ero-sennin and I trained up my stamina. It was probably some of the most important training" the boy grinned. "So no worries!"

"One-Man-Army..." Konohamaru observed in awe.

"Yep! These guys love short range, but there are other frogs out there that like ninjutsu more. Some will shoot water bullets, streams or frickin' _blades_. Some of them can make it rain, and some will just try to flood the place. And if it get's flooded, there are some really tough underwater frogs."

"Ugh" Gamatoshi flinched. "The Underwater S&D Division. Crazy psycho bastards..."

Konohamaru mouthed 'S&D?' to Udon who whispered back 'maybe Search and Destroy?'

"Get it?"

"Y-Yeah. Limitless Shadowclones + Large amounts of explosive tags + Insane giant frog skills = Epic PWNage."

"What?"

"It's the hip new lingo, boss"

------------

That's the prequel. Oh, ideas for the title are welcome but hold off until you actually read more of the story (I'm guessing that will help).


	2. Chapter 1

I reject shippuden's reality to varying degrees and substitute my own. So yes, AU.

All those who seek seriousness and length, fear me. All those who are actually just bored, seek me out.

Disclaimer: I Don't own Naruto.

Key:

------------ scene break. It could look like something else too. You'll be able to figure it out

"speech"

'quotations within speech/possibly something else later'

_stressing words/someone thinking - You'll be able to figure it out_

**stressing words/some kind of echoing voice - ie. kyuubi. You'll be able to figure it out**

stressing words/speaking in unision -You'll be able to figure it out

"people speaking at the same time" "but not the same words" "will simply have no filler between their quotation marks" - You'll be able to figure it out.

---------------------

Naruto lay awake at night sulking to himself. While Kono' and his gang had been enthusiastic and cool - his new captain had been dour and definately not cool.

"_That is interesting" Yamato observed, having just received the One-Man-Army explanation from Naruto. "But against ninja of high quality with powerful or extremely fast techniques, what are your plans? If they take you, the source, out it all stops. Akatsuki isn't so nice as to fight your forces head-on from a distance. An army is impractical."_

"Yeah, well I received crap education when I was little" he sulked to himself. "Three years seems like a lot of time but it wasn't enough to recover from that and make me into a match for these geniuses who've been getting stronger for ages..." he palmed his head despondently. "Not with all the trouble the fox's been causing"

Damnit, _that_ was supposed to be the ace! The frogs and the bunshin and everything were going to be team support and all that. Maybe he'd use a rasengan if he could manage... but for movement, speed, power... in short the entirety of _taijutsu_ was supposed to be that! They were going to turn his weakness into one of his greatest strengths! But they had no idea what the _hell _the fox was trying to pull and they couldn't risk it...

"Again and again, it all comes back to the fox. This is the story of my life... damnit. If only... if only..."

Wait

Why not?

_Why the hell not?!_

The boy's eyes snapped open in shock and he snapped his fingers. "Yamato!"

------------------------------

"I can't believe we're doing this" Yamato sighed. "This is such a bad idea"

He turned to his compatriot, a Yamanaka 'highly versed' in his family's mental techniques at least according to Naruto. "And you, how did he get you to agree to this?"

"A lot of money" the Yamato Jounin shrugged. "What I think is amazing is that even Jiraiya-sama made it here. How'd that happen?"

"Hm" the Sannin, who'd ditched an S-class spy mission for this considered things while rubbing his sore neck. Damn spy missions and damn uncomfortable hiding spots. "Lots of guilt... maybe? And you Yamato and Kakashi?"

"Lots of guilt here too..." Kakashi rubbed his temples, as if just the memory of the event left his brain hurting.

"Lots of nagging for me" Yamato admitted. "But I didn't honestly think he could gather the necessary people so I didn't think there was anything to worry about..."

"Well, what's the big deal anyway? This thing is Godaime-approved isn't it?" the Yamanaka asked, puzzled.

"Yes, how did _that_ happen." Kakashi looked to Jiraiya, highly interested

"A truly skilful combination of Lotsa' Guilt, Lotsa' Money, Lotsa' Nagging, _**and**_ Puppy Eyes-no-Jutsu"

There was a collective 'Oh' of understanding, except for the Yamanka. "Wait, _what_?"

"Oi! Enough chatting" Naruto demanded. "Let's get this show on the road"

"Yeah, yeah, hold up brat!" Jiraiya snapped. "You know, it's not often we adults manage to get away from our duties like this."

"You're still _on_ duty!" Naruto argued. "For _me_!"

"Look, just in case you end up killing us all, I feel we deserve some time to ourselves" Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "Sides', Kyuubi's not going anywhere" he paused "right now at least" he amended.

"Killing us all? It's not that bad, is it?" the Yamanaka asked.

"Let's see..." Jiraiya took a thoughtful pose. "According to Naruto, he meets the Kyuubi inside a sealed cage or... prison cell rather, inside a small room in his mind."

"Okay..."

"Now we know the seal is fading but we don't know _what parts_ do _what_ so the cage he meets the Kyuubi in may or may not be... _all_ there right now."

Kakashi nodded. "We send him in, the Kyuubi manages to sneak a claw or tail through some gap in the cage, kills or eats Naruto and becomes the dominant party"

Jiraiya picked up. "Taking over Naruto's body, he pulls out four, maybe five tails of chakra, books it the hell out of here and comes back a few days later fully unsealed"

"A-And then?" the Yamanaka stuttered.

Jiraiya appeared visibly taken aback by the question and both Yamato and Kakashi also gave the Yamanka odd looks. "Well, I mean..." Jiraiya began slowly so that the questioner was _sure_ to understand, "we all die, of course."

"O-Oh, of course" he looked pale. "I-I knew that. That's our worst case scenario, right?"

Kakashi nodded. "Hopefully nothing happens"

"Well, _I_ like this plan!" Naruto, refusing to not be heard, spoke up. "And _I _think everything'll be _fine_ and you're all just a bunch of _wussies_."

Ignoring his compatriot's disbelieving stares towards Naruto, Kakashi spoke up. "Actually, I kind of like this plan too." Having the stares redirected at him, he shrugged. "The seal is fading. It's fading and we don't know _why_. Doing nothing might leave us with a gigantic time-bomb on our hands and we don't know the countdown. If we're risking our lives doing nothing, we might as well do it where we have some measure of influence."

"Classic damned if you do damned if you don't scenario. I like this plan too" Jiraiya admitted. "It's good to note that if we don't do this now, there's no telling when we can all find the time for this again."

The Yamanaka had more or less resigned and come around to their way of thinking. "SNAFU, is it?"

"Pretty much."

"It'll be _fine_" Naruto placated. "We've got all the bases covered. Sealmastery, anti-bijuu bloodline, wacky-cool mental techniques and experience, and finally the cheapest dojutsu in existence" he listed off, pointing at each person he'd coerced into this in turn. "We can't lose!"

"About that... why am I here while I'm still using a clutch?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto frowned. "Well your _eyes_ work and Sasuke did _something_ to Kyuubi using his"

"Well no, I don't know of anything about that. If anything that kind of information would be in the Uchiha Secret Documents that Sasuke took when he defected."

Naruto shrugged. "You'll figure something out"

"...How exactly?"

"Jeez, just apply some guts, damnit!"

Now Kakashi was a very much a cool and composed individual. As such he fought very hard indeed to resist showing his incredulity.

Jiraiya shook his head. Naruto could sound like such an idiot sometimes. That being said, there really wasn't much else for Kakashi to do. If the Kyuubi came out his best bet would be to call out the Sharingan, stare the demon in the eye willfully and hope for some kind of latent doujutsu instinct kicking and pulling out yet another 'Sharingan: we-don't-really-care-if-it's-cheating' hidden technique. "We're all ready here brat, but do _you_ need more time?"

"I'm good. I'm ready, damnit. If anything, I'm just getting frustrated by you slowpokes"

Yamato shook his head and got ready, beside him he saw the Yamanaka carefully choosing amongst various scrolls and apparatus. "How do you want to do this?"

The Yamanaka took a second to mull it over. "You said you can do yours at Meta-3 pacing?" receiving a nod he continued. "That'll be fine. You just need to finish after me, but by no more than half a second"

"Not a problem."

"Well, Uzumaki-san, we'll be starting now. Please lie down and get comfortable. This will be about ten minutes to prepare." He began doing hand signs at a measured pace.

Naruto complied eagerly. "_Finally_!"

"I must admit I have my reservations about this but it _is _always better to face the enemy on your terms"

"_Of course_!" Naruto scoffed.

"But are you really ready? You're at ground zero. If things go wrong, you're the only one we're sure won't survive."

"Well..." Naruto breathed deeply, "I've made my peace more or less."

"Hugged that girl again?!" Jiraiya shouted.

"Sent her a note! Y'know, apologising. I promised her something and I haven't lived up to it yet"

Jiraiya rolled his eyes. Not that promise thing _again_...

"Also, told her that her forehead had grown even more wide and cute and that she'd make a good wife someday, maybe..." Naruto paused. "... if she didn't kill the guy with Ox-Strength and Bad-Temper before that..."

"You wrote _that_?" the Yamanaka asked, impressed at the sheer audacity.

"Hey, I could die. No sense holding back, ya know? More importantly is it alright to talk to me like this? Don't you have to concentrate?"

"Hm? Well, there are a lot of handseals, but the whole process isn't that hard for me. The important thing is to keep _you_ relaxed. So let's talk some mo –" he paused. "Actually, I just thought of something. Hey you guys! If I die, tell my wife that I love her!" he addressed the 'standby' team and Yamato. "Also, that I hid her mother's thing under the Crysanthimums!"

"A prank? That's nice. I pranked some people for old-times sake before coming here, too."

"Really?" the Yamanaka expertly feigned interest. "More 'making peace'?"

"Yeah. I defaced the Hokage monument a bit"

"You what? That was you back then! And you did it _again_?!"

"Yeah, well I have Kage-Bunshin now. They finished it about when you were talking. Of course when the culprit disappeared in smoke they thought it was a Sunshin but... Hehehe, they'll never find me in time."

The Yamanaka no longer needed to feign interest.

"Also there were various vendors and stores that were never nice to me. When they open their shop doors for the first time today in half an hour, itching powder bags will explode."

The blond man just stared.

"Also, Baa-chan is always complaining about this guy named Danzo so I found him and put pepper in his smoking pipe filling. I also put pepper in all his juice jugs, on his toilet paper, and put failed Ninja Mice in his walls"

"_Failed_ Ninja mice? Why?"

"Well they're cheap. I'm on a budget you know? Besides, they just don't follow commands or anything."

"So why not regular mice?"

"Well, they're like twice as hard to kill, and they shit like... four times more or something"

"...Oh..."

"And also I stole his porn."

"His..."

"Take a man's porn, you take his heart. That's what Ero-sennin says."

"R-Really."

"Don't know if I believe it but it's also the only thing you can take that they'll never report."

"Oh. Makes... sense?" the Yamanaka didn't sound too sure of himself.

"Also he hid some of it really well. I mean, I'm no amateur prankster and _I _had trouble. He must've _really_ loved it. What's with all these old people and their porn?"

"I couldn't quite say." Danzo? Danzo, of ROOT, Danzo?! He found him, snuck into his no doubt overly trapped house, and did _what_?! "...Hey are you... quite sure... that you're a Genin?"

"Ero-Sennin wouldn't let me take the Chuunin exam."

"But you really took that far. _Danzo_ of all people?! Do you know what would happen if you were _caught_?"

At this, Naruto adopted a very flat and uncompromising look. "Yeah, well _you_ don't have to listen to her _whine_."

"_Amen_ to that!" Jiraiya chimed in.

Naruto looked thoughtful. "You're good at this though. Getting people to talk calmly, I mean."

"It kind of comes with my speciality. Speaking calmly like this helps people to _feel _calm"

"Huh"

"That pill I gave you earlier should have kicked in a while ago as well."

"_Ah_."

"Now then, how long did I say this Jutsu would take to be done?"

Naruto blinked. "Ten minutes"

"Guess what?"

"Huh?"

"I lied."

Naruto barely had the time to register that the Yamanaka's scroll was now glowing an ethereal yellow, and he certainly didn't have time to tense up, before its rapid descent. He also just barely, as if they could have simply been his imagination, might have heard the dreaded phrase "now this might hurt a little."

Naruto, who's mouth was indeed famously faster than his head, did get working as the small scroll _slammed _harshly into his forehead. "_Sunnova_ B–"

For Naruto the world went black.

-------------------------

"-ITCH!" Naruto bolted upright, clutching his forehead. "_God_damnit! What the hell?! How the _hell_ was that necessary!?"

A deep and menacing rumble interrupted. **"Come to gloat?"**

Well at least looking up at the almost familiar giant floating face of death suspended in an infinite sea of darkness... he guessed he couldn't really complain with the results. "Hello, asshole."

Trying not to clutch his head in phantom pain, Naruto backed off of the cage as far as he could without looking like a wuss.

"I came to lay down some _law_, Kyuubi! You've been nothing but trouble!"

A massive claw struck the cage bars violently as Kyuubi made a bid for Naruto's life and Naruto, despite himself, backpedalled into the wall behind him. **"**_**I **_**have?! You have the **_**audacity**_** to not only show yourself before me but to taunt me as well! **_**Damn**_**able Human!"**

Naruto tried to still his heart. Alright, lost some face there running like a wuss when the claw couldn't possibly make it this far. But he could come back from this. He was a negotiations _master_. "Shut up! What do _you_ have to complain about?! All you've ever done is make my life hell. And that was before you pulled this escape attempt shit!"

Gigantic eyes narrowed dangerously. **"... what?!"**

"Look: I don't _care_" Naruto proclaimed, suddenly seeming to lose his energy. "I've just got too much crap on my plate already before trying to deal with _you_. I'm not here to demand 'rent'. I don't have the time to screw _around_ with you anymore, I've got too much to _do_! And I don't _need_ you, but I can't keep going like _this_! So either help out, _or get the hell out of the way_! Don't _think_ I can't deal with you! Guess what? Ero-Sennin came up with a way to let me share senses with you and I don't know what foxes hate to eat but I will eat it more than Ra... well, I'll eat it about as much as I eat Ramen! Don't mess with me, man I've got a kickass imagination!"

A low demonic growl resounded. **"Aren't you mistaking something? I **_**gave**_** you my chakra **_**once**_** and only once! That does not permit you to steal it as you wish!"**

Naruto bristled. "Hey! I didn't mean to, alright?! It just sort of happened! And what do you care?! It's not like you have anything to loose! It's a drop in the frikkin' bucket for you!"

The demon rumbled with such unrivalled anger, such overwhelming _outrage_ that Naruto had truly begun to question his own negotiation skills after all.

"**Nothing to loose? Nothing to **_**loose, **_**you say?!"** There was a terrific rattling sound and the demon's face disappeared into the darkness briefly. There was a flash of light and for the first time, the contents of Kyuubi's cell became illuminated. **"Do I **_**LOOK**_**, like I have **_**NOTHING **_**to **_**LOOSE?!**_**"**

Naruto, upon seeing the whole of Kyuubi, first thought 'damn, he's big'. Immediately following that was the thought 'Oh shit'. "You're uh..." His famous 'speak-before-you-think' mouth got to work, "You're _moulting?!_" He couldn't believe it.

"**FOOL! How does **_**this**_** appear to be **_**MOULTING**_**!?"** Another massive claw rattled the cage bars as the Kyuubi presented its arm forcefully for inspection. **"I am **_**DEGENERATING!**_**"** Bone, skin, muscle, and... _some_ kind of liquids were revealed.

"Oh snap that's –" Naruto's sudden overwhelming urge to barf interrupted himself. Ugh. Carrots? "What _happened _to you?"

"**What do you **_**think!**_**"** The Kyuubi railed, smashing his arm into the bars again for emphasis. **"**_**You**__**happened **_**to me!**"

Naruto didn't follow Kyuubi's protest, because upon the demons railing against the bars _something _had dethatched and beamed Naruto between the eyes. "Oh ew GROSS!" Naruto ripped the slimy, smelly, rotten piece of muscle tissue off. "Oh that is NOT right! You u-ugh–"

Again, interrupted by barfing. This one took a while to die down and the Kyuubi appeared immensely pleased with events.

Naruto tried to recover and address the real issue here. "But the seal was fading?"

"**What are you talking about? **_**I **_**am fading!"**

"Awesome," Naruto muttered in dazzled amazement. Why had no one even thought of that? Goddamnit, what was Ero-Sennin even good for after all? "Go Yondaime. You rock." They'd really underestimated his seal. Damn thing was even more awesome than they'd ever dreamed was possible.

"**Where are you going?"**

"Me?" Naruto asked, incredulous. "I'm _leaving_!! Now that I know the score you think I'll stick _around_? You were bad company _before_ you threw flesh-chunks at me."

"**You're just going to **_**leave**_**?!"**

"You think I care what happens to _you_?! Are you _nuts_?! I'm _gone_!" Naruto worked fervently to find a door in the pitch-blackness.

--------------------------

_Omake_

Jiraiya's face loomed. "Did it work?"

Naruto just lay there, contemplating the clouds and just how messed up this was. He was tempted to sulk, despair, mope, or to bash Ero-Sennin for being so useless regarding his seal, but most of these were the path of Sasuke and they'd led him to do some truly bastardly and emo-like things.

He feared the dark-side.

Oh, he could still bash Ero-Sennin though. "You idiot!" he sprang up.

Or, he thought he would.

The foot planted onto his chest argued differently. "What the hell? Ero-Sennin?"

Jiraiya only increased the weight upon Naruto's chest. "Give me something Naruto. I need a sign."

"The hell's your problem?" He woulda smacked the pervert one, but he found his arms restrained by mokuton. "What are... are you serious?"

"How do I know that you're Naruto."

"Uh, cuz' I haven't killed you yet? Or maybe because I'm not covered in glowy red death-chakra?"

"Tell me something only Naruto would know!"

"... Alright," Naruto sighed, "you're allergic to pineapples"

Jiraiya glared. "That's a dirty stinking dirty fucking lie." The 'support' team tensed immediately

Naruto scowled. "No it's not. You're allergic to pineapples, you just won't fucking admit it!"

"I am not allergic to pineapples!"

"Then what causes those itches huh?"

"Mosquitoes, idiot!"

"And the swelling?!"

"_Obviously_ I must be allergic to Mosquitoes!"

"We were in the goddamn desert! There are no Mosquitoes in the desert! You're not getting any _younger_ just give them up already!"

"Shut up! You can't tell me what to do, you pineapple hating sunnovabitch!"

"Don't call me a sunnovabitch just for trying to look out for you, you sunnovabitch!"

"I'll never give them up! I will die happily with my pineapple-induced grin plastering my pineapple loving face!"

"Hey... Kakashi..." Yamato began, attempting to drone out the ongoing fevered argument. "There's no way in the world that isn't Naruto, right?"

-------------

Q: So why the hell is it an omake????

A: I thought it would be good to have the chapter end with Naruto ditching kyuubi, because the act is epicsauce. However, the waking up scene doesn't really have any place in the next chapter so I had to put it _somewhere_.

Q: But that's all just equivocation. For all intents and purposes the chapter only ends at "There's no way in the world that isn't Naruto, right?"

A: Smartass.

SNAFU stands for

Situation

Normal

All

F*cked

Up


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own the Naruto. If I did, I like to think that Shippuden would have had ten times the Naruto content. And he would have kicked ass on a continum instead of just once every other plot point.

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Chapter 3 - So are You an Idiot or What?

Night had enveloped Konoha village. Families were chatting amicably over dinner tables – safe and warm inside their homes.

If they weren't ninjas on-call.

Kiba was sulking before Konoha's grand west gate, and looked around miserably at his compatriots. "So what's going on here?"

Ino, in her average attire, snorted. "Didn't you read the memo? We're on mission duty, idiot"

"Yeah? What _kind_ of mission?! It didn't f*cking say!"

"Oh don't _whine_. You're a _ninja_ – suck it up."

"Shut up skank. It's cold, damp, and this sudden random mission interrupted my bath."

"Ooooh, now that _is _bad. So when you go home you'll have to finish up? So it'll almost be like you'll have _two _baths this month."

"You little bitch!"

"Ohohohoho~!"

Hinata interjected herself between the two before things got bloody. "Um, please stop fighting! I'm sure the mission is important!"

"It's the routine night-watch actually" Shikamaru interjected as he approached the group. "I have the papers here. Easy stuff. The probability of anything happening _at all_ is one in six hundred. I suggest we take turns sleeping at the post."

Ino rolled her eyes. "Of course _you _would suggest that."

Kiba looked impressed. "Huh, so even the big brain is here huh? They actually let you out of that strategy room?"

Shikamaru shook his head. "If there's nothing left to do in there, then there's nothing left to do. All of us assembled are taking our pay on a daily wage rate for now. It's troublesome but this is probably just a matter of them getting their money's worth."

A thunderous hailing caused the gathered to flinch.

"Yo! Group E3?" Naruto barrelled onto the meeting before he frowned and looked around at the gathered teammates in turn. "Inuzika" he noticed the markings. "Hyuuga" the eyes were a dead give away. "...Oh, that pineapple guy who stole my chuunin vest. You suck, pineapple guy."

Shikamaru resisted the face palm. "It wasn't _yours_."

He paused on Ino. Blond, blue, lithe. "Yamanka?"

"Got it in one."

"Well what the hell am _I_ doing here?"

Sakura approached, last of their group to arrive, and slapped Naruto on the back friendlily. "Sensei says it's the night-watch. You've never done it before have you? It's easy, I'll show you."

"He'll show _you_, actually" Shikamaru interrupted, presenting his package. "He's acting captain."

Naruto took the offered papers, whooping with glee. "That's great! This wonderful me has been recognized at last! About damn time, damnit!"

Kiba snorted at the newbie's enthusiasm. "On a night-watch, damn dead-last!"

There was silence for a moment. "Ok, cut it out!" Sakura interjected. "You guys are... are... not fighting? What? Naruto?" He was staring at the dispatch papers with a look of...

A look of...

A lot of people _think_ that they discern a change in a person by their eyes. What they _mean_ is that as the central focus when looking at someone, the state of the eyes – which is very well documented by our brains. So when Naruto's eternally clenched cheek-muscles (as if always on the brink of a smile) relaxed, his eyebrows furrowed, and his countenance quietened, his eyes seemed to miraculously express ... something. Clarity, maybe, and focus. Sakura wasn't so sure.

They were the eyes she had never forgotten. They were eyes that appeared occasionally in her dreams – nightmares, really. They always ever appeared at the end, and the worst, of the dream.... right when things were the most dismal – and about to be made better.

The look broke, remaining only slightly, and Sakura couldn't help but wonder why and what that could _possibly _mean.

Naruto took a deep breath, steeling himself to face his decision. "You all need to understand something. I'm a Gennin."

Sakura beamed. Was this modesty? Unheard of, but fantastic! Her teammate had indeed grown as a person after all in all of his travels.

"But this seal stamped on these papers means I'm your new goddamn _god._"

....or not.

Groans, face palms, and muttering were abound as the assembled prepared for _another_ green captain on a power trip.

One would be surprised at how _often _this happened.

"I say jump, you say 'how high?' But to that guy, not me" he pointed to Shikamaru.

"Wha – me?!"

"I say take the enemy base camp, you say 'well how the hell do we do that?' But also to that guy."

"Would you stop that! I want to relax and –"

Naruto looked at the famously lazy chuunin critically. "Oh, you don't not want to be second in command?"

"Yes." Shikamaru sighed in relief. "Wait, no!"

Grinning ferociously – indeed triumphantly – Naruto gave a 'v for victory' sign."No take backs pinapple!"

"Damn."

Ino facepalmed. "How did you fall for it, as a genius?"

Shikamaru, who had lost whatever meager amount of enthusiasm he had for his own defense, gave Ino a flat look. "So you would expect him to actually try that? Things that defy reasonableness are the worst for me."

Sakura, who had developed a sporadic clutching motion with her gloved fingers - as if to wring a certian superior officer's neck - tried to steer the topic back to progress. "Um, disregarding this blatant unprofessionalism... So Shikamaru is team strategist. Let's just get to the towers. We probably won't be seeing any action anyway."

The stern glare Naruto shot his minions – well... subordinates, technically – implied that he disagreed with Sakura. "_When_ we see action I'll take care of it. Everyone else just stay out of my way."

"That's so stupid." Kiba groaned.

"They'll probably try to run from my overwhelmingly heroic self, so pineapple will make a net formation with you guys to stop them, but I never want them to notice you. Stay like, 400 meters out of my way. I'll keep Hyuuga to stop them from sneaking past."

Hinata blushed. The assembled (minus Naruto, who was oblivious) wondered how that could possibly be construed to be romantic.

Sakura physically restrained herself from assaulting her acting captain. Again. "So are you're just looking for the glory?!"

"You're doing this all wrong." Shikamaru moaned.

Naruto worked up what he deemed a smoldering look and swept his would-be crew with it – to their exasperation. "Screw you pineapple. And it doesn't matter. You follow orders, you report me later, and you all get your whistleblowing cash. Don't and you all get time with Ibiki. I want you guys to follow orders, and from what I hear of Ibiki... well you sure as hell don't want Ibiki – trust me, so just put up and let's get to work."

-------------------------

Upon reaching the designated towers, Naruto had decided they should split the watch based on gender of all things – much to Shikamaru's disapproval. He was lazy, but he had grown very accustomed to being listened to. He'd then sent Kiba to act as a roving scout – always to stay downwind and out of sight.

In the 'girl' tower...

Ino considered her friend/rival/friend again. "Hey Sakura... can we trust this guy? I know it's a routine assignment but on the off chance something happens is he _really_ any good? He seems kind of... _you know_"

The pink haired girl flinched and spent a few futile moments pretending that she hadn't heard the question. "Er, he's... you know what? He's... creative? And very surprising. He – He has a lot of chakra!" She finally exclaimed with wavering confidence. "An amazing amount, really. And he..." _sigh_ "he really doesn't make it easy for me to protect his reputation."

Ino laughed dryly. "Like that huh? I know exactly how you feel. I'm stuck with Mr. Slob and Mr. Blob for teammates. They're good but... I mean they're a slob and a blob."

Sakura giggled. "I guess. But really, Sensei trusts him – and Jiraiya-sama obviously. And you really don't need to worry. Even if something happens I think we can count on him right now."

A delicate eyebrow raised. Best friend speak for the prompt: '... right now?'

Sakura chuckled weakly. "I used to, er, be... away... from the action a lot when we were kids." Kids being three years ago, and 'away from the action' being useless in a fight. "But I heard the reports and I saw it sometimes. I... kind of think of it like there being two Narutos. The normal one's probably about how you think he is."

Ino arched an eyebrow. "And this one?"

"Almost killed Gaara for us."

"..."

"I know his orders all seem weird and moronic but... I'm sure that somehow he has some kind of plan... you know, hidden under all the, uh..."

"Hidden under all the stupid?" She supplied succinctly.

"One way... of putting it..."

It was only then that Ino noticed – Sakura hadn't stopped scanning the foliage for a moment, despite Hinata being amongst their group. _ Well if 'this' Naruto comes out when there's trouble then turning it around means that we're in trouble now right? That's superstition though, Sakura._

Moments passed before, with a restless sigh, Ino joined her. _I need to stop being so superstitious myself. _

------------------

Shikamaru gave his 'team captain' a half-lidded stare. "You're doing this wrong."

"Screw. You. Pineapple. Don't think just because you have a vest that you're so great."

Shikamaru heaved a sigh. "Would you let the vest thing go? Look we're... I don't know but the rookies from our year and tem Gai formed a kind of club thing, and you're a member so I want you to know –"

"That I'm doing it wrong. Yeah sure – shut up and watch."

"...Whatever"

Silence passed Naruto kept his watchful eye on the surroundings.

Perhaps too much silence

"Huh? Hey, wake up damnit. Keep watch! And it's only, like, nine o'clock!"

There was a baleful glare. Such spite Naruto had seldom ever seen.

And he'd never ever seen it disappear so quickly. _Don't tell me he's too lazy to stay angry at me? I... should I be offended?_

Shikamaru resigned himself to the wakeful world – but to a minimal degree. He maintained a stance with his arms folded as a make-shift pillow to rest his head on as he vaguely scanned from left to right along the tree line. "...I've heard stories about you. I've heard you can be kind of an idiot but there are times when you gain focus and acuity."

"Well no, my accuracy's always been kind of..."

"I said _acuity_. It means – you know what, never mind. What I mean is, it would be even worse if you weren't just screwing around right now."

Naruto waved him off, as if a fly. "Yeah, yeah, I'm seriously an idiot – eyes on the tree line buttmunch."

Shikamaru stared at the blonde, silently exasperated. Unlike others who might write off his actions as inexplicable Shikamaru wouldn't – no, he couldn't. Jumping to conclusions or calling _anything _inexplicable was a cardinal sin for one who relied so heavily on his brain for a weapon. It _could_ be that Naruto was simply on a paranoid power trip. But it could just as well be that the blonde had an _agenda_, or access to information that others didn't. "...I thought you split up the team and sent Kiba to scout so that we could talk in private. Here we are."

"What?" Naruto shot him an incredulous look. "Hell no. I split us up like this because Sakura and the Yamanka looked like they were going to attack me – and of course I need a roving scout."

That actually made a lot of sense. However...

Shikamaru heaved a long suffering sigh, as he carefully weighed sleep-time against social group loyalty before deciding that he probably wouldn't be able to wring any sleep out of this situation anyway. "So you just expect me to believe that the gennin chosen to train under Jiraiya-sama – a man of legendary guile and who trained the most feared Hokage of all time – is just an idiot on a power trip?"

"Yes." Naruto replied simply. "And eyes on the treeline."

Shikamaru was honestly, seriously prepared to believe exactly that of Naruto, until right just then. "There is just no way," Shikamaru drawled, "with your personality, that you would ever say that if you weren't up to something."

"I would," Naruto carefully eyed the pineapple – er, ninja, "I would if I was really, really, stupid. And watch the goddamn trees you damn insolent pineapple."

_I'd heard he was annoying. Heard tales – but nothing... nothing matches up to the real thing._ _Why a pineapple? Shut up about the pineapple! Goddamn..._"..." There comes a time, for a ninja, when bluffing, hinting, and subterfuge become ineffective and the only recourse left is the truth. Damn. Shikamaru decided to break the devastating news – sure to elicit a reaction. "I'm breaking an oath for you right now, you know. Actually this whole setup is a scam. This is a test – I'm your proctor."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Of course you freaking are."

_Ah. Here we go. _"You knew then."

"Duh'. I just came back from a three-year hiatus. I'm due one. And I'm in a team with two scouts, an infiltrator, a tac-opps guy, and a medic. What the hell am I here for? What are any of us here for?"

"We're on a wage-rate..."

The blond gave a mighty 'hmph!' "Right. You know, I've heard about you too. Heard you run rings around those egg brains in tac-ops – but baa-chan won't shut up about how lazy you are. Says you could do so much more. You're not dumb enough to fall for that wage-rate scheme she's running and you're not energetic enough to be here without B-rank pay. Of course there's a test."

Shikamaru considered this new information. "…You figured it out back when you received the papers."

"Bingo."

Shikamaru breathed a sigh of relief. "I see. You don't know if this is a simple leadership test, or a combat simulation." The pieces, at last, were all coming together. "I'll save us both some trouble and tell you, it's just your leadership that is –"

"I know."

"You... know?" What?

"That Inuzika – Kiba, right? He came with us to chase after Sasuke." There was an uncomfortable silence. "Everyone that came along back then was good in a scrap – he must be damn outrageous by now. You too, I guess. And Sakura-chan's no slouch. With a combat test they wouldn't give me so much to work with – the 'bad guys' for us to fight would have to be damn powerful." Naruto sighed "And Konoha sure as hell doesn't have enough 'damn powerful' to spare. Not with Cloud acting up like lately."

Shikamaru considered his 'leader'. Not bad. But still...

Naruto was failing.

Not for lack of raw insight, or even for leadership style – it was at least getting people to do their work ,apparently, if reluctantly. That deserved some form of pass, considering the criteria. _He fails... because he has an agenda – he **certainly** does, whatever it is – and it's one he hasn't shared at all with his team. There is a simple lack of trust and respect for the rest of us – but that also doesn't fit with any reports on his character at all._

"You're failing, you know."

"Yeah?" Naruto cockily – and rhetorically – asked. "Well, so are you."

"That comeback doesn't even make sense. _I'm _not the one being tested, idiot."

"Yeah." Naruto, again, rolled his eyes. "You keep thinking that."

_What?! What does **that** mean? As if he's here to test me? But that's... no, he's very close to the Hokage according to rumour. He strolls in and out of her office like it's nothing. She could easily set up a blind test using him as the proctor. But would she?! He's an idiot. Except he himself says he's an idiot – so he's obviously faking idiocy, so he's not an idiot?! Wait... faking idiocy so obviously is something only an idiot would do – so he's an idiot, right? But the very fact that I've claimed him as an idiot means that his plan is **working**__which means he's... not... an idiot? Wait, but... no, hang on..._

Shikamaru, like many people Naruto felt like screwing with, was now receiving a massive migraine.

It wasn't Shikamaru's fault – he really was a genius. But as he'd explained, moves that were totally unreasonable were his weakness. In his younger days, when he was less jaded and had literally no drive, he would have handled the situation with much less suffering on his part. "Look, I'm telling you this isn't a combat exercise."

Whatever comeback Naruto might have made was interrupted by the intrusive sound of static. "Main force, come in. This is K-1." Kiba's assigned call sign. "I can't believe this – you guys aren't gonna' believe this – but I've got an enemy here. Give me an order. You still want me keeping distance?"

Shikamaru's eyes widened, his world flipped belly-up, and he addressed his captain. "How did you –"

But he was already gone. Leaning over the guardrails, Shikamaru could see the blond sliding down the vertical tower wall with a modified application of the tree-walking technique. _He was expecting this – waiting for it from the start. But how?! No, rather, **why?!**_

Pieces were starting to fit together for the strategist – but alarmingly slowly – and completely without a motive. _What _was the damn motive?!

That was **_important_**.

And Shikamaru had the terrible premonition, as he copied Naruto's sliding maneuver, that he wouldn't have his answer until it was too late.

* * *

Please Review.


	4. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Yeah, still disclaiming stuff.

A/N: I actually don't really intend to focus on this story. But I can't figure out how to do Tsunade's Heir. I thought maybe I needed to get back into the third person perspective thing. (And the writing Naruto thing)

* * *

Chapter 3 - Interrupt Shikamaru Day

They were running through the trees, because Shikamaru just couldn't stand for Naruto's order to '_stay put'_.

Because it had all gone to hell.

All of it.

He could _feel _it.

And Ino could feel that he felt it. They spent so long together in a team. Had been through _so much_.

Chouji kept them on the straight and wholesome. His big heart made sure they could live with looking themselves in the mirror.

Ino kept them on schedule. Kept them moving.

Shikamaru kept them alive.

"Shikamaru?" the blonde asked. "Shika? What's – What's going on?"

"I don't know." Shikamaru replied. Usually it was fairly clear to him what was going on. Intellectually, at least. If the details were not clear, then a rough picture at least…

But there was a kind of darkness on the strategic stage. Naruto seemed too unpredictable, and yet seemed to be quite focused at the same time.

Shikamaru couldn't fathom the blonde's objectives. To begin with, was the blonde smart or stupid? Impulsive or forth thinking?

He couldn't help but think that whatever the blond intended, it was something fundamentally strange.

It was then they ran into Kiba. "Yo!" He gasped in awe. "That guy just bumped into me and told me to head back." He gave a befuddled look. "And I was like, 'what the hell? What happened to backing you up?'"

Shikamaru didn't have to think too hard on that. _I happened. I asked too many questions. I seemed like too much trouble. _"Naruto's broken the rules and we need to catch up with him." Shikamaru explained. "I've officially stepped in as the second-in-command, citing questionable motives."

"You serious?" Kiba asked.

Shikamaru nodded. "We'll try to keep it between just us if we can." He assured. "But by now he's probably moved somewhere with the spy. Can you track him?"

"Hell no! That's the thing!" Kiba exclaimed. "Like I said he bumped into me, and the next thing I knew my communicator was gone and I couldn't smell a thing! I could go by tracks but at this time of night it would be slow as f*ck!"

Shikamaru pinched the bridge of his nose. Only Naruto. _Pepper powder, probably_. He reasoned. _A prankster's weapon. That leaves Hinata for tracking, but she was the one against leaving our post…_

"We should go back. It's orders." A whisper came from behind. It was quiet.

Perhaps it was used to being ignored.

But Kiba, who was facing that direction, immediately put up his hands. "Woah. Hinata? Hinata, look, don't…" The next words he intended, if any, died in his throat.

Shikamaru turned, to see the Hyuuga quietly staring at him. Her empty pure white irises saw nothing and everything, as it was the nature of the Byakugan that the eye's line of sight generally didn't matter.

But she was staring him down all the same.

Probably, she was staring them all down.

_Hinata. She does tend to run the straight and narrow and it's obvious that she's crushing on Naruto. But I should be able to appeal to her emotionally._

_No… that's tricky. Since she doesn't do well with authority, I'd better pull rank._

Shikamaru straightened up. "Hinata, Naruto's actions are in direct violation of protocol." He did his best to sound forceful. It wasn't in his nature, but he was a little used to it now. "As the second-in-command I've got rank until he can prove his reasoning before a court of inquisition. And –"

"_Naruto-kun_…" Her voice took on a different quality. It was a little breathy and with more steel than he'd ever thought possible from her. Possibly… it was a tone reserved only for _him_. "He told us to _stay_." She finished. "We should _stay._"

Kiba "Hinata? Hinata, don't. I mean, l-let's stay calm about this. Hinata?" He asked wearily even as he edged uneasily backwards.

_I was too optimistic_. Shikamaru cursed to himself. _I was just thinking she wouldn't actively help us find him. She didn't tag along. She came for this._ "Hinata, this is pointless. We have numbers and breadth of skills and strategic –"

A rough hand on his arm stopped him. He was getting stopped a lot today. "We can't fight her." Kiba warned.

"Kiba. Spies are serious business. With war on the horizon –"

"No, I mean we _can't _fight her. It's too close… It's been too long." The inizuka clarified. And what he said next put his nervousness within a whole different context. "We're within the range of her divination."

…_Shit._

The Hyuuga concept of 'divination range' was a prerequisite for the two palms sixty-four strikes, but the concept itself was extremely broad and adaptable. In essence it was similar to Shikamaru's own 'checkmate' gambit, but built around superior information gathering, speed, and conflict control.

They stood there, each thinking what they could do to end this odd infighting. The silence stretched out due to both confusion and reluctance.

They didn't want to fight one of their own. Not one of the twelve. They shouldn't have to.

"I can't stand this." A bitter and dark voice was brandished against that uneasy silence in this bitter, dark night. "I'm sick of being left behind." It muttered.

All eyes turned to Sakura. It was then that things began to come together for Shikamaru.

She was not angry, exactly. Not the way she generally was when she played straight-man to some form of idiocy. She was… surly. Pouting in fact. Enormously displeased, and not very offended. There were tears in her eyes.

_She figured out what he's doing_. Shikamaru suddenly thought, in awe. _She knows what's going on._

"Naruto, that idiot. He said he understood." She had a distinct frown on her face. "That idiot."

"What's going on?" Ino asked. "What's the idiot doing?"

Sakura shut her eyes and shook, once. The words, it seemed, had to be forced almost bodily from her. "He's _**protecting**_ me." The pinkette let out a frustrated sigh. "_Again."_

Shikamaru had to double-take at that. Naruto had been right in assessing that their team had been overpowered. Not just any kind of spy could really give them a run for their money. But if Sakura said so, then Shikamaru believed her.

"He's out there _alone _Hinata." Sakura stressed. "Again. _Alone_. Tell me where he is!" She demanded. "I'm his teammate and I'm going to go back him up if he likes it or _not!_"

After a second of consideration, Shikamaru was glad that Hinata stood down. The Byakugan deactivated and she closed her eyes. "It would probably be faster to look yourself." She explained. "Pretty soon."

Just then, a gust of wind rushed through the treeline at a speed that threatened to bowl them all over.

_No_. Shikamaru thought. _Don't tell me…_

"**BEEN A WHILE, BRAT! THIS BETTER BE GOOD!"**

Gamabunta.

Well that sealed it. One way or another, some kind of serious shit was going down.

* * *

A/N: Review. Blah blah.

My BETA says I shouldn't write too much of this because he likes the ideas too much, and thinks I should keep them for myself (cuz' I'm so greedy, right) in case I want them for writing a professional novel one day.

Lately though, I've been feeling that I really have a long way to go. Right now I'm trying to work on my dramaticism. I don't know if you could tell from the chapter. Hey, if anyone's got some tips forward them up please?

Lately, I've also been listening to Hatsune Miku. I have to say I'm converted completely. I'll admit that I'm totally her fanboy. I've been moe-ified by her ger great moeness. She has a Tsundere song that just kills me. And she has a 'Take it easy' song that is like, pure spirit of rock and roll.

Still, no one's reviewed my BETA's songs. Shame on you all. If one person does you can have another Shippuden Complaint chapter within a week.


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